my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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