I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
