I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
