Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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