Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I cut my penus on the lid.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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