I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
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