i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
