thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
