Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
