I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize