I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
