So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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