OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
