I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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