You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize