I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
