Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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