I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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