I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize