You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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