She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Dicks are not precious.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
