so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
