I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
