so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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