no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
