I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I did not marry a roomba.
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