theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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