I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
