So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
please come you make the beer taste better
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
