Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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