4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
