Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
