GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You can't just leave with hair like that
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
