How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
