I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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