Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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