i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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