Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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