I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
