I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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