I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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