well I can't set my house on fire every night
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
