I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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