i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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