every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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