we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Randomize
