woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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