I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
