Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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