Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
