i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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