I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
