remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
We have so much sex to catch up on
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
