That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize