Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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