I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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