apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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