She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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