his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
MIDGETS
????
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
