Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The adults are the big ones right?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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