I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
